Allyship is something you do, not something you are

Opinion | Future of Talent and Leadership Week in Focus

Allyship is a verb, not a noun. You don’t become an ally by declaring yourself one. Others describe you as one because of what you do, Jan Gooding writes.

I am often asked what allyship actually means. It’s a fair question, because although the word has become more commonplace in the workplace, its roots lie in the geopolitics of alliances between nation-states.

That original interpretation of alliances between nations implies reciprocity and mutual interest rather than its modern meaning, which is more akin to support from a position of strength and privilege with no expectation of anything in return. 

I take inspiration from Lady Phyll, founder of UK Black Pride, who describes allyship as a verb, not a noun. You don’t become an ally by declaring yourself one. Others describe you as one because of what you do.

For me, allyship means doing something to support someone facing discrimination or disadvantage that you don’t personally experience, at a moment when you could just as easily choose not to. That choice is at its heart. If it is passive rather than active, I’m not sure it counts.

It starts small

Allyship doesn’t have to be dramatic. Some of it is simply paying attention. For instance, noticing the religious festivals or cultural celebrations observed across your team and taking the trouble to understand them, rather than assuming everyone experiences the cultural calendar as you do.

Some of it is harder. Challenging so-called ‘office banter’ when everyone else is laughing along to a joke or a bit of teasing. Or changing the way the team works to accommodate someone for a period of time, even when it’s inconvenient. To sponsoring someone whose talent is being overlooked and making the case to colleagues who may have an unspoken bias about them.

And a surprising amount happens when the person concerned isn’t in the room. I have sat in meetings where a senior female colleague was described as ‘difficult’ because she wouldn’t waive through a major investment decision. It’s a word that attaches itself with remarkable regularity to women, to people from minority backgrounds, and to anyone who doesn’t quite fit the mould.

In those moments it is the role of an ally to ask, ‘What do we actually mean by that?’ What’s more, we know governance and risk management improve when different perspectives are considered. So ‘difficult people,’ who ask awkward questions and resist the groupthink of ‘like-minded colleagues,’ are invaluable. 

Listen first

Good intentions are not enough. Allyship has to begin with listening to the person or group affected about what they need, rather than assuming we know best.

During my time as group brand director at Aviva, it was brought to my attention that a trans woman was being bullied by her manager. I knew this because she worked in a different department on another floor and came to sit with my team because she felt safer.

I instinctively felt the right course was a formal grievance against her manager. She didn’t want that. She wanted to be relocated to a different team outside London and to get on with her working life without becoming the centre of a dispute. Supporting her meant respecting that choice, even though part of me felt the manager should be held to account. It was a useful lesson. Allyship serves the person affected, not our own sense of justice.

It is also an ongoing commitment rather than a one-off gesture. I would encourage anyone who wants to be a better ally to get involved in an employee resource group (ERG). It is one of the best ways I know to stay engaged and informed, because it keeps you close to colleagues’ lived experience year-round, not just when an awareness month comes along.

Finally, it requires a willingness to be uncomfortable. You will get it wrong at some point. Someone will react badly to something you said or did, even with the best intentions. As a coach, I’d say the real test is what happens next. Do you get defensive, or can you take the feedback and stay open to learning?

Remember, it can be as difficult for people to give you honest feedback as it is for you to hear it. Especially when you have had a negative impact on them, and it means explaining that to you. 

Why allyship is under pressure

Allyship has always been political. Its modern roots lie in the struggle for human rights after World War II and the equality legislation that followed. But as diversity, equity and inclusion became a mainstream business activity, a strong backlash was perhaps inevitable. I think our industry, which played such a visible role in DEI’s rise, needs to be honest with itself about why.

Too much of it was performative. Flags, badges, and greater visibility in advertising became the outward signs of commitment, while the less glamorous work of building skill through proper education and training received far less attention. Visibility without capability is fragile, and it tends not to survive pressure.

Some business leaders stepped back as soon as things became uncomfortable or cost them money. People notice that. It tells employees, and especially those who had spoken up, that the commitment did not run deep, often leaving them feeling even more vulnerable.

In Russell T Davis’s recent hard-hitting TV series Tip Toe (pictured), one of the main gay characters, Melba, laments, ‘I used to walk into a room and go ‘Ta Daa’, now I tip toe, just in case’. 

A problem arose when protected characteristics became the main framework for defining, describing and measuring difference. In practice, they helped organisations comply with equality legislation, but they also stood for something broader. Namely, the business value of different perspectives in improving decision-making. Yet by organising inclusion around specific groups, many in the mainstream came to feel that inclusion was not about them. That perception has helped fuel the backlash.

Becoming a more effective ally

If I could recommend one practical step, it would be to join an ERG and participate properly. You will educate yourself, and you will also become a valuable source of intelligence for leadership about what isn’t working.

ERGs are often the first to spot that promotion criteria are quietly skewed, that the way meetings are run shuts certain voices out, or that the parental leave policy looks good on paper but fails in practice. Leaders who listen to that feedback make better decisions.

The second is to take intersectionality seriously. None of us experiences the world through a single identity, and overlapping identities interact in ways that are rarely obvious from the outside.

A policy that works well for women in general may not work for black women, disabled women, or women with caring responsibilities.

No hierarchy of rights

Change does not happen without friction and resistance. I learned that during my years as chair of Stonewall, and I have seen it many times since. But I hold firmly to one principle: there is no hierarchy of rights. Religious freedom does not automatically sit above being accepted for one’s sexual orientation, nor the other way round. Each situation must be weighed carefully so different rights can be reconciled proportionately.

This is not territory for purist thinking, or purist expectations. Anyone who approaches it looking for total victory is more likely to deepen division than resolve it. It also means we should listen to those who disagree with us, because perhaps they have a point.

Mutual respect, and an acceptance that other people’s lived experience may be very different from our own, is a prerequisite for working productively alongside one another.

This, I believe, is where allies matter most. They are often part of conversations that the people they support are not, such as the leadership meeting, the client lunch, the talent review. From there, they can offer insight, share context and shift understanding in a way that persuades rather than provokes.

At a time of such polarisation, that bridge-building role may be the most valuable contribution an ally can make.

So perhaps the question worth asking isn’t whether you consider yourself an ally. It’s what you have done lately that shows it.