The Media Kill List – Volume 2
Everything that needs taking down and burning in 2018
Brave Brands
Rosa Parks.
Firefighters.
Tiananmen Tank Man.
You think these people are brave?
They’re not brave. BRANDS are brave.
They sometimes risk budget on a new social media platform to reach Millennials.
Sometimes they just tell an interesting brand story with a tight and striking visual identity.
So Brave they get awards for their Bravery. Capital B Bravery. Not little b bravery. Bravery so Brave it has three Big Bs.
B2B Bravery.
A short sentence.
A line break.
A full stop here. There. Everywhere.
(‘Tis nice to pause. To breathe. Isn’t it?)
About something inspirational.
How I rose from the bottom.
To the top.
Against the odds.
Because I believed.
And you believed.
And we all believed.
That I could get 79,854 likes on this piece of LinkedIn.
Wank.
TV will finally die in 2018
Never has a death been so protracted. Not even Jack Cucchiaio’s slow demise was this drawn out.
TV, you useless piece of shit, just die already. Why do I need you with your big luxurious screen? To watch Game of Thrones on? I got that pirated on my phone, mate. AVI file and I watch it wherever I like. I watch fucking Game of Thrones in the park. I watch it on the swings.
Listen, Television, you don’t understand what Connected Consumers want. They want to watch Jihadi training videos on obscure YouTube channels. They want to see Vloggers selling biscuits. They want to watch conspiracy theorists and ads that help you set up your own website in minutes.
You think you’re going to survive this?
Mate, it’s 2018. WE’VE GOT FACEBOOK LIVE NOW.
“But before you do that, Alexa, can you also fill it with water?”
“Alexa, search for ‘feelings of failure'”
“Alexa, search for ‘Trojan Horse'”
“Alexa, play ‘Everything Has Changed’ by Ed Sheeran”
“Alexa, can grown-ups use Kandoos?”
“Alexa, place Amazon order for Kandoos multipack”
2018: The Year of AI
Is your business deploying AI? If it is, then it’s going to win BIG in 2018. AI is the future – and the future, in futurologist speak, is AI.
In fact, some experts believe 2018 will be the Year of the AI-driven Advertising Singularity and ABC1s will convert into pure information and Sublime into a higher dimensional marketing plane.
But wait, what’s this? You can’t even define what AI means? Of course you can’t. You probably couldn’t even pass a Reverse Turing Test.
Just like the years 2007 – 2017 were all Year of the Mobile, every year from now on will be The Year of AI – because we all need something new to stick at the top of a press release…just anything other than making better ads.
There is a disease at the heart of modern marketing that could spell the end of the human race. Symptoms include severe cringing, chronic jealousy and face-palming annoyance. Yes, it’s a case of the social media influenzas.
And yet marketers keep on spreading this virus, killing actually talented people as the influenzas infect us all with their sickly-sweet vlogs and perfectly-edited Instagram posts with their perfect hair and perfect teeth, talking about #brands they don’t really care about, smiling their way to global domination one £50 advent calendar at a time.