How will you spend your (last pre-Brexit) Christmas?

John Lowery brings you some seasonal shopping cheer

As the two thousand and eighteenth anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ draws closer, there’s only one thing on our minds… how our wallets will be emptied by the various retailers touting their wares.

Of course, many of us have placed an order for a piano priced at £872 from John Lewis & Partners.

Or maybe not.

Maybe, with the prospect of a no-deal Brexit, we’ve spotted that we can purchase a piano from Lidl for £89.99.

Many of us are planning our annual pilgrimage to Waitrose & Partners to procure the wherewithal for our Christmas dinner.

Or maybe not.

Maybe, with Mark Carney’s warning of a doomsday scenario ringing in our ears, we’ve digested the Good Housekeeping report that reveals it would be 40% cheaper if we were to shop for it at Aldi.

Many of us will be purchasing our Tesco Finest Spiced Mince Pies.

Or maybe not.

Maybe, a saving of one penny per pie, not to mention the spirit of goodwill to all Ran Tans, means we’ll pop into Iceland for their palm oil-free luxury variants.

Many of us will be thinking of gifts. Perhaps a pair of shoes for our loved one.

I didn’t have shoes in mind but then an accidental click on a banner ad has meant I’m now being stalked around the internet by the purveyors of various forms of fancy footwear.

Including Loewe, who are under the impression that I might be interested in these ‘suede sneakers’:

I know it’s panto season but have the robots not seen my general state of attire?

And my bank balance?

The cost of looking like Aladdin (insane) is an eye-watering £475 (excluding shipping).

According to the blah on their website, ‘Soft padding at the ankles ensure this high-top design is comfortable from toe to heel.’

Presumably as comfortable from toe to heel as is the futurologist Jacob ‘The-Opportunity-For-Brexit-Is-Over-The-Next-50-Years’ Rees-Mogg, who, last week on Nick Ferrari’s LBC phone-in, brought us tidings of great joy: The Brexit dividend will manifest itself in… cheaper footwear. Yes, you read that right. Not £350m per week being ploughed into the NHS. No. Cheaper footwear.

And so, as the post-apocalyptic landscape envisioned by Cormac McCarthy in ‘The Road’ heaves into view, let’s all take comfort in the knowledge that we’ll have to spend less on preposterous plimsolls at our first post-Brexit Christmas, even if we will be living in caves, distilling water from our own urine and gnawing on the partially cooked thighs of our next-door neighbour*.

*P.S. Waitrose & Partners, I think I’ve just written your 2019 Christmas spectacular.