When is the last time you forgave someone who wronged you?

Opinion | Career Leaders

We are showing improvement at asserting what is unacceptable in the workplace, but we must become better at healing rifts and moving on with everyone intact.

As I get older, I am coming to appreciate the value of forgiveness more and more.

As children we are taught the power of apology. The importance of telling the truth and owning up to mistakes.

However, far less time is spent explaining the potency of truly forgiving someone who has wronged us. Particularly someone who has caused us harm that we don’t like or don’t understand.

It is a difficult thing to do. Mainly because we are usually fighting against a tide of negative emotions like anger, resentment, bitterness, hatred and fear. Encouraging us to feel more in the mood for revenge than seeking the common ground.

The cost of conflict is high

We are living in an era of ever-increasing antagonism and conflict, which leaders are going to have to find a way of managing and, even better, helping to diffuse.

We know that workplace disputes are on the increase. The cost of them in terms of management time, advice, settlements, and the inevitable disruption and impact on workplace culture is high.

In fact, ACAS recently estimated the cost of conflict in UK to be £28.5bn and reported handling 117,000 individual disputes themselves in 2024-25.

Justice is hard to find in the courts

Experience has taught me that law courts are a poor place to resolve disputes and should only be turned to as a last resort. People on both sides often completely underestimate the personal toll in terms of time, money but most of all the inevitable emotional stress involved in resorting to lawyers as a way of resolving problems.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of a particular situation, it is far preferable to manage conflicts well using established policies and procedures made available in the organisation. And to make it possible for those involved to understand what led to the situation, learn from it, and move on.

Workplace culture matters

Obviously, such a positive outcome takes two to tango.

The leadership of organisations are ultimately responsible for creating an environment which encourages honest conversations, mutual respect and a culture in which everyone has the skills and confidence to resolve their conflicts. T

he path to forgiveness takes work and people need support to travel down it, but we all have a part to play.

Managers and the people in their teams should be able to rely on receiving the guidance, tools and training they need to address problems and nip them in the bud before they become full blown disputes.

Forgiveness has its roots in religion

There will be few workplace policies and procedures which reference the importance of forgiveness, and yet it is a critical component of reconciliation and restoring positive working relations.

In religious contexts, forgiveness is a core spiritual principle and key aspect of Christianity, Hinduism and Judaism. Requiring those who practice such faiths to try and let go of resentment towards others and demonstrate compassion.

To such an extent that I must admit I have struggled sometimes to understand the capacity of people who have experienced unimaginable pain and suffering to forgive their perpetrators.

The impact of saying it

Recently I was struck by Erika Kirk, the widow of Charlie Kirk, proclaiming at his memorial service, ‘On the cross our saviour said, ‘Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. That young man — I forgive him.’

Who could not to be moved by her capacity to live up to the teachings of her Christian faith so soon after her husband was assassinated? I had to honestly question whether I would have the same ability not to be vengeful in such a moment of deep anguish. I also wonder whether it was a statesmanlike expression of hope and reconciliation, and too soon for her to genuinely feel such compassion through her grief.

Nonetheless, the sentiment has to be respected and admired. And I say that as someone who is deeply troubled by the way Charlie Kirk leaned on selective Bible verses as a way to frame his politics as divinely endorsed.

Keeping things in proportion

Happily, we are not likely to be dealing with such extreme transgressions in a workplace context. Indeed, it is useful to remind ourselves to keep a sense of proportion when we are faced with conflicts at work, painful as they may be.

Nevertheless, disagreements can cause deep rifts, affecting working relationships or even causing talented colleagues to leave their jobs.

Avoiding such outcomes is why mediation can be a process worth investing in, so discord is addressed before developing into full blown disputes with the help of people who are experts in this area.

Mutuality is crucial

We are getting better at asserting what is unacceptable; we are less skilled at knowing how to heal the rift and move on with everyone intact. This is where the power of asking for, and being able to give, sincere forgiveness comes in.

This process has to be mutual for it to be effective. I am not a person of faith, but it makes sense to me that there is something healing in the two-way process of forgiveness as a route to repairing relationships.

At its heart it requires everyone to face up to the truth of what has happened and for the perpetrator to acknowledge their role in it. We all make mistakes and can choose to view whatever has happened as an opportunity to learn and improve.

If you find yourself in the position of having caused the problem, it is natural for there to be feelings of guilt and remorse. That is why making an apology and expressing regret helps us to move forward when we have been in the wrong. There is something healing in it for everyone.

Forgiveness has to be asked for

It is hard to forgive someone who won’t take responsibility for the impact their behaviour has had on others.

We are all familiar with the meaningless apologies which focus on the response of the victim rather than the culpability of the wrongdoer. Phrases like ‘I’m sorry if you were offended,’ or ‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ somehow avoid admitting guilt and often shift the blame onto the other person. How can we forgive someone who won’t admit they have done anything that requires our forgiveness?

However, when an apology is sincerely made, and demonstrates what has been learnt and how things will change in the future, the acceptance of it is what makes it truly effective.

Proactively seeking common ground

It is not news to anyone that we live in a world in which we are all increasingly encouraged to be angry, offended and slightly self-righteous. And the more we find others through social media who share our world view, the more confident we can feel in our perspective.

We seem to be getting worse at navigating the grey areas of situations where there may be a trade-off between two opposing views. And we are even worse at forgiving people who either don’t share our views or made an ignorant mistake.

Coming off X this time last year has been a very constructive part of my own journey of escaping the intensity of people’s constant rage. It has made me better at hearing the common ground and meeting people in the middle.

A good question to ask is, when the last time was you truly forgave someone who had wronged you? And perhaps even more difficult, when is the last time you asked someone for forgiveness?

If you don’t readily know the answer you may want to think about that.